Hello,

To whom you may concern.  I am not quite sure what to say or how to say it?  But I certainly need to say something.  So here goes: I just got back from the battle of Troy.  I'm curious, you see, in Hector.  I've always sort of pinned him as the most decent of all the soldiers in that war.  At least, that's what Homer tells us.  So I wanted to see if it really was true.  Was he a chivalrous man who was fighting to defend his homeland from ruthless invaders?  And while we're on that subject, I can tell you that I've seen Helen and she's not all that.  I mean, she definitely has a quality about her, and her hair is certainly pretty (not sure if it alone is worthy of launching a thousand ships) but that's another story.  The thing about Hector was that he loved his horses.  He could take a wild stallion and tame it so that even his prissy little brother could ride it without difficulty.  At least that's what I was told by several of the Trojans I interviewed.  They all praised Hector for his compassion and patriotism and humility.  Even several of the gods had good things to say about him.  Except, of course for Aphrodite, who was still jealously considering the fact that perhaps Helen was ever so slightly more beautiful than she (even though Paris routinely told her otherwise)  and was more than taken aback when Hector looked past Aphrodite to his Andromache.  So, you could see how disappointed I was when, after I had made all this effort to go actually interview Hector for myself, I mistimed my travels and ended up arriving just in time to see that hot-headed self-righteous man-boy Achilles run my would-be interviewee through with a sword and mercilessly drag his body behind a chariot for the better part of the afternoon.  Needless to say, when I finally got my chance to interview poor Hector he was in no mood.  So I now return disappointed and looking for another figure to interview in the coming days.

Any suggestions?

-G

Grad Students - Delusions of Misgrandeur

Sorry for the bad grammar and punctuation, I had to edit each episode down so as to fit on an AIM Away Message.

My life would make a great sitcom and I'd call it "Grad Students" and it'd be about a Med, Law and Engineering Student living together (the Engineer will be the Plucky Comic Relief)
Episode 1: Orientation Week
Geoff gets stuck in a parking garage because his key card doesn't work, meanwhile dozens of cars are backed up behind him. Kyle (Law Student) moves in. Jeet (Engineer) tries to design and build a trap that will catch an imaginary possum that he's convinced is scratching at his window at night, the device involves catapulting a brick at the possum. Geoff: "That's a lawsuit waiting to happen"
Kyle [startled]: "No wait! That's my line!"
Geoff meets interesting girl with similar interests and makes the dull orientation week bearable for him.
Sanjeet kills his possum; uproots a tree in the process.
Stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode!

Episode 2
The “possum” turned out to be the neighbor’s cat (we didn’t recognize it because of the brick) and we are forced to dig it up from where the mighty Oak once stood and return it to the little girl posting the flyers. Sanjeet decides that the house needs a tree-fort and commences building it from wood; we know not where the wood came from. The tree-fort, when completed, will be in the front yard overhanging the sidewalk.
Kyle: “That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen”
Geoff: “If you need me, I’ll be studying trauma”
Later
Geoff to girl: “You know what shocked me the most? How everyone’s already married or in a committed relationship”
Girl: “I know! They’re all so grown-up. I can’t imagine that!”
Geoff [thinking]: “!!!!!”
Geoff gets stuck in parking garage on way out as keycard fails to work. Security Guard knows him by name now

Episode 3
Sanjeet’s tree-fort is coming along, where he got the wood from is still a mystery. We noticed that he no longer vies for a spot in the garage
Geoff walks into quiet computer lab to study, computers all shut off. Students using computers are upset and start yelling and making noise. Geoff leaves lab to find a quieter spot. Computers reboot. Geoff forgot his pen, he re-enters lab and computers all shut off.
Geoff to girl: “hey, want to come in this weekend to study a cadaver? We could make a date of it… maybe get dinner afterward?”
Girl: “Sure, I really need to study anatomy, that’d be great!”
Geoff [thinking]: “!!!!!”
Jeet makes us go to the funeral of “Turtle” the little girl’s possum-shaped cat that he killed with a brick and a tree. Sanjeet is the only one crying.
Kyle: “at least they’re not suing”
Little girl’s dad: “oh?”

Episode 4
Sanjeet has taken to living in his partially completed tree-fort
Kyle does his best to stop a lawsuit from being brought against Jeet for the brick/cat/tree incident, but the neighbor wants compensation
Sanjeet rationalizes his tree-fort: “it’s the perfect perch from which to hunt cat” which he will give to the little girl
Geoff is very excited about his upcoming cadaver date with the girl until…
Girl to Geoff: “Hey, I’m sorry but I can’t study with you this weekend, my girlfriend is in town and we’re going out”
Geoff: “…oh” [thinking]: “figures”
The power goes out just as Kyle is finishing up the case report that will exonerate Jeet of all charges the neighbor could bring against him. Kyle did not save his work. Ironically, it was Sanjeet who, while trying to run an electric line to his tree-fort, severed the power. Sanjeet no longer has hair on his left arm

Episode 5
Kyle's mom needs to borrow his SUV and in return lends him the BMW
Everyone is woken up by a violent crashing in the middle of the night. The Garage collapsed on and destroyed both Geoff and Kyle's cars Upon investigation it was discovered where Sanjeet got the wood for his tree-fort.
Jeet: “That’s why I don’t park in there it’s not structurally sound anymore”
While investigating the damage, Kyle sees what he thinks is a Wolverine running across the front yard. For the safety of the neighborhood, he thinks we should find it before it hurts some poor kid. Sanjeet refuses to let us use his car (parked in the street) for fear of getting it scratched by the animal. Geoff has to restrain Kyle from pummeling Jeet. Kyle jumps into the wreckage of the garage and drives his mom's battered BMW through the timbers and he and Geoff drive through the neighborhood with a flashlight looking for signs of the Wolverine

Episode 6
We found no traces of the Wolverine, however there was a rather large cat sitting on our driveway when we returned
Jeet felt sorry for destroying the garage so he made us Belgian waffles and offered to drive us to school. We have no car. Jeet’s class started before ours so we walked him to class. Jeet’s lecture hall looked like the ape-pen of the zoo. “Students” were literally swinging from the ceiling and climbing up the walls There were more grunts and screeches than actual verbalities, but Sanjeet seemed to fit right in, speaking a dialect of “ape-speak” as he walked in the door; the only difference was Sanjeet seemed to be the only one walking fully erect
Both Kyle and I needed a lot of caffeine, so we went to Starbucks. Kyle was disappointed that they forgot to put soy milk in his turtle mocha latte But as the girl was handing Geoff his mocha frap, she slipped and dumped it all over him


Episode 7
While Geoff studies for his first major exam
Kyle's first day of class finally arrives.
Professor: "I was defending this man accused of "bullying" one of his coworkers. My client, while the accuser was sleeping, allegedly placed his testicles in the sleeping man's open mouth. The accuser claims he was so traumatized by this that he had to be institutionalized. But I was just so proud of myself, it was my first case and not only did I get my client cleared of all charges, but I had the accuser's pay docked for sleeping on the job! The best part is the guy's still in a padded room to this day."
The audience erupts in applause
Kyle: "That's terrible!"
Student next to him (with a tear in his eye and giving the professor a heart-felt salute): "dude, maybe, like, you shouldn't be here."
Sanjeet is rebuilding the garage with bricks; we know not where he got them from

Episode 8
Sanjeet is building a laser and wants to know which wavelength is more dangerous, 488nm or 1049nm given a 10W power supply. During the night Sanjeet tests his prototype; around the same time Houston got reports from astronauts on the ISS observing what appeared to be a nuclear (pronounced “nuke-u-lar”) blast in the vicinity of Detroit. The next morning, Geoff notices everyone in the neighborhood is tan
Meanwhile, Jeet tells the news crews his theory of the bright light “constructive interference of swamp gas reflecting light from the moon and a jet’s runway lights”
Kyle (on live tv) “you liar! It was your laser that did it!”
Local news idiot “laser? is this true, Mr. Jeet?”
Jeet “you can’t believe this guy, he thought he saw a Wolverine the other night!”
Local Detroit got a good laugh on that one
News idiot “There you have it, folks. Aliens”

Episode 9
A Pepsi bottle overflows on Geoff's hands during his 8 hour exam and there were no bathroom breaks. Sanjeet brings home one of his engineering friends; there are no more bugs in the house and we've noticed the neighbors have stopped lighting citronella Jeet and his friend Bob pretend (badly) not to notice
Kyle "Did you know that if you were to poke me and cause swelling in my arm and I went to the doctor and he had to amputate, but he accidentally amputated the wrong arm, you would be liable and I could sue you? It's the law."
Geoff "wait… I can't believe I'm saying this, but why isn't the doctor liable?"
Kyle "oh the law assumes medical malpractice is taking place at all times"
Geoff shakes his head and smacks Kyle "Ow What was that for?!"
Geoff "there was a bug"
There was no bug

Episode 10
Varun, Geoff's friend from Colgate comes to visit, but soon discovers the comfort of the futon and refuses to get up. Kyle discovers Cheezers the best pizza place in the area and purchases a deliciously smelling pizza which he places on the kitchen table Varun asks for a slice Kyle: "sure, help yourself" then goes to wash up. When he returns the pizza is on the floor alongside many textbooks
Kyle "WHAT HAPPENED?!"
Varun "I was trying to get a slice"
Kyle "By throwing textbooks at it?!"
Varun "arguably not the most effective method, since you're up, could you scoop me a bit and bring it over here? pleeeease"
They were Sanjeet's textbooks, and are now covered in pizza grease Varun would later blame Kyle for this, Jeet goes on to develop stainless paper but it causes cancer so no money was made Kyle was to get royalties too

Episode 11
Sanjeet follows Kyle to the UofM ball game of feet, without a ticket He successfully sneaks in with a crowd of Illinois students; he cheers loudly for UofM and escapes with his life, but just barely
Geoff buys himself cotton swabs but goes with the no-name brand instead of Q-tips, he later regrets his decision "they're like toothpicks with slightly blunted ends"
Varun (still on the futon) "I'll take 'em could you bring me some duct tape too? oh and a bucket?"
Geoff "when's the last time you've gotten up?"
Varun "how long have I been here?"
Geoff "that's what i thought, don't you need to go to the bathroom?"
Varun "so about that bucket"
Varun fashions a very long prodding device with the cotton swabs and duct tape Sanjeet is impressed by Varuns engineering abilities
Kyle inexplicably has an L painted on his chest

Episode 12
Sanjeet, still on the run from Illinois students who have tracked him, has fled to Canada. While there he has feasted on Chinese food toured the duty-free shops and saw the Phantom he also tackled a mountie and stole his horse
The news report on Jeet's laser has finally aired making Kyle look foolish, the fact that he comes into class the next day with maize and blue paint all over him that won't come off makes the situation worse
Geoff is starting to become irritated by Varun's constant poking with his prodder After experimenting with the bucket Varun decides to get off the futon to go to the bathroom Everyone is thankful
Josh, Kyle's classmate and an old friend of everyone comes over Crazy antics ensue in which Geoff ends up drinking too much milk and gets heartburn and indigestion Geoff vows never to drink milk again
Sanjeet cannot ride his horse back into the US thru the tunnel, he will next attempt the bridge

Episode 13
Geoff's mom and aunt DD decide to surprise the boys by visiting and making them jam, this turns out to be a monumental affair. every flat surface is covered with strawberries raspberries cherries peaches and tomatoes Of course Geoff's mom makes him clean the entire house first: "mom I don't have time for this"
mom "nonsense, you make time even Varun is helping" Varun helps by sorting fruit he is still on the futon "and Geoff, your grass looks terrible you need to go cut it, and your windows are filthy you need to wash them this house is a pigsty you need to clean it"
Kyle misses the excitement, he is lucky
The Canadians allow Sanjeet to ride his horse over the bridge to the US but is stopped by US customs when he claims to be from a minor country called Sanjeetland but fails to show a valid passport they demand to search his saddlebags

Episode 14
Geoff's mom and aunt DD went overboard; Jam rations are instituted. Everybody is getting sick of the pureed fruit already, but the mason jars are hip-deep through the house. Varun is in heaven, everything he needs is within arms reach of the futon, nobody has seen him get up in several days, we don't know where he puts the empty mason jars, the futon seems to be getting taller we dont want to look underneath it
The mountie Jeet stole his horse from smoked a bit of the hashish, in his saddlebags customs agents found 10 kilos of dried marijuana leaves; Jeet lucked out because of his diplomatic immunity, Sanjeetland is apparently a sovereign nation that does not issue passports
Josh visits and invents the JamBomb: a mason jar of jager with a jam chaser, he tries this with a shot of tobasco sauce to visceral consequences

Episode 15
Geoff is forced to read through the HIPAA guidelines which state unequivocally and many multiples of times that you cannot discuss patient care with anybody who does not need to hear it and you should "avert your attention" if somebody is discussing something about another person that you do not need to hear
Sanjeet gallups his horse down I-96 and takes the I-94 exit ramp (which is finally open!) toward home
Kyle "do you think your friend Varun is ok? he looks sick, he hasn't stood up in many days and he's all pale, all he's eaten is jam"
Geoff "HIPAA rules, I'm not allowed to discuss that with you"
Josh "yeah and he goes to the bathroom in those jam mason jars, I almost snagged one for a JamBomb!"
Kyle "the jager part or the jam part?!"
at that moment Jeet busts through the door carrying a saddle, nobody thinks this is strange

Episode 16
People keep talking about "the game" this weekend, Geoff has no idea what it is but Kyle has tickets "it's the Wolverines vs the Fighting Irish"
Geoff "this is a sport? I don't care how true a stereotype it is, wolverines are much more ferocious than drunken Irishmen, it hardly seems a fair fight"
Kyle "That's what I'm saying!"
Geoff is later disappointed to learn that these are just nicknames for football teams
Sanjeet has no idea what to do with 10 kilos of weed, he considers burning it but since he is afraid of fire (due to the "Bait & Tackle" incident that still haunts him to this day) decides not to. He doesn't know what to feed his horse, which he has named "Possum" after "Turtle" the neighbor's pet cat he accidentally killed with a brick and a tree, so he feeds it the dried hemp figuring it is the same as hay. Varun opens a textbook

Episode 17
Jeet's horse Possum is found the next morning in the treefort after consuming 10 kilos of marijuana. Nobody can figure out how to get the horse down. Varun suggests building a crane and Josh thinks we should smoke him out but Sanjeet, brandishing a toothbrush, has a better idea. When Jeet returns with a brick, the neighbors evac the street
Varun takes a med school anatomy exam over the phone from the futon. He passes
Kyle is enjoying spending time at the library as it keeps him away from the house
As Jeet attaches the brick to the tree via a web of bungee, Geoff comes home with a bag of Cheetos and some Marshmallows, Possum is out of the treefort in a flash. Jeet, disappointed, still decides to follow through with his brick device for fun, out of the corner of his eye Geoff notices the entire tree launch itself a good 50 feet into the air. Several neighbors move out that evening

Episode 18
Due to Sanjeet's launching of the tree, most of the neighbors have moved out. Josh bought the house next door and convinced several of his friends to move to Dearborn from Royal Oak, they were hesitant at first but soon saw the error of their ways. Several Med Students in Geoff's class also moved into the block
Sanjeet is building a vast underground tunnel system to link up all the houses to a central library, or cavern, underneath the street. It is very gothic
Varun has decided to pay for the futon and feels he has contributed enough so that he can call Geoff and Kyle's house "his"
Sanjeet is in the process of picking up all his belongings that were in the tree-fort and are now scattered across the street
The students celebrate by having a huge block party with rides and elephant ear stands and a petting zoo. Possum gets a little too friendly with a miniature pony

Episode 19
During the block party several med and law students, blowing off steam, got a little too drunk and brawls became a full scale riot Sanjeet tries to break it up
"dont worry guys I took a tissue engineering class with emphasis in crowd control" A few minutes later we see him waving a sword and somebody is shouting "keep up the knife fights, Tito!"
Varun demands to know what all the fuss is about and lifts his head ever so gently off the futon to look out, then uses his Q-tip/duct tape prodding device to poke people out the open window, this only adds to the rising tension
Geoff locks himself in his room and tries to study, thats when the police come and line everyone up, even though Geoff was studying, they single him out as the ringleader
Kyle reviews the charges they file against him "dude, you're screwed" are the last words Geoff hears as they ease him into the squad car

Episode 20
When Geoff is taken in for processing, he is asked for his wallet he left it sitting on his desk when the cops cuffed him For his one phone call Geoff calls the house and talks to Varun (who had Kyle set the phone to automatically pick up on speakerphone) Geoff asks Varun to grab his wallet Using the q-tip/duct tape prodding device Varun cannot find the wallet on Geoff's desk It is believed the police stole it when they set him up as a patsy
Sanjeet is working on extending his tunnel system to the police HQ jail cell, he almost gets there (10 miles away) when he accidently ruptures a sewer line flooding the whole tunnel system
Geoff is sharing a cell with the CFO of GM who offers Geoff some foolproof get rich quick schemes
Geoff "I'm not taking your advice, you're in jail"
CFO "yes, but that's only for cannibalism, not scamming"
Geoff does not sleep that night
-Thanks Dan for your help!

Episode 21
The Detroit Sewage Company is wondering where several million gallons of raw sewage went, but since this is sewage they no longer need to chemically treat they don't look too hard
Meanwhile, Sanjeet is being propelled through 10 miles of his tunnel system by the most foul smelling pressure jet imaginable. The neighborhood, still messy from the party/riot notices a lingering smell, on the plus side everyone's grass is uber green the next year
Geoff hears stories all night from his cannibal cellmate about how human tastes like the dark meat of chicken and is very good sauteed in a lemon herb reductase, this makes Geoff oddly hungry, he is fed a mixture of creamed meats and vegetables by the prison. When he called, his lawyer pretended not to know who he was. He is beginning to worry
Sanjeet is trying to take a shower, but the watermain for the neighborhood is knocked out, people won't go near him

Episode 22
Geoff appears in court with Kyle as his legal defense. The Prosecution is the same as the OJ trial as they all lost their high paying jobs. The judge, an epitome of slovenly laziness, video-phones it in, it is obvious he is on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean and he's had one too many cocktails
Judge "alright [hic] son, explain [hic] yourself"
Geoff explains he was studying while the riot was taking place and that no property was severely damaged. At some point the judge fell asleep
Kyle "um your honor? wake up"
Judge "hmm? what? oh! How dare you insinuate I was sleeping! Just for that I find your client" and then the power cuts out [somehow Sanjeet's doing] when they finally reestablish an uplink to Cuba (apparently) the judge can be seen swimming nude in the distance
Disgusted, Geoff gets up to leave, but first puts on his gloves
Prosecution in unison "NOOOOO!!!"

End of season cliffhanger
They transfer Geoff to the state prison for the remainder of the judge's vacation. Sanjeet is allowed to bring Geoff his textbooks in jail, but hidden inside the binding is a sliver spoon and a note "od ot tahw wonk uoy" Geoff doesn't know what to do. He trades the spoon to "Gorilla" in cellblock 13 for a carton of smokes which he uses to buy protection. Gorilla escapes that night
Varun decides to help, so he gets off the futon. He organizes the neighborhood students to picket the jail, while they are picketing he returns to the futon
Kyle and Josh fly to Cuba to talk with the judge, one of them is never seen again
Stay tuned for the next season of "Grad Students"

Season 2 of Grad Students
Episode 1
Josh and Kyle are in Cuba discussing Geoff's case with a very drunk judge. At one point several men in camo drop off a large briefcase filled with money and a note with a heart on it signed "Castro." The students picketing the jail are starting to get violent. Geoff is terrified of when the time comes that he has to take a shower. Sanjeet is digging a tunnel underneath the jail. Varun has nobody to prod. Tensions are running high. Jeet finally breaks into Geoff's cell (he still hasn't taken a shower since being shot through the sewer system) Geoff is ready to escape (if only from the smell) when the guards come by to take him to trial, they dont notice Jeet or the large hole in the center of the floor (and are forever clueless as to why future residents of that cell always escape) Geoff is led to court, but along the way the bus gets lost and he is late. The judge later blames this on him

Episode 2
Geoff is in court, the video monitor is showing a very drunk judge, Kyle and Josh's voices can be heard in the background "he's a slob"
"typical judge"
"Lawyers are vastly superior"
"...that aint saying much" suddenly 2 men in camo holding AK-47s enter the field of view. One man: "For betraying our humble leader, Castro, you are hereby sentenced to death" seeing an opportunity, Kyle acts quickly "hey, listen buddy, before you kill him, could you make him say this to that camera?" the soldier reads the statement Josh quickly scribbles onto a Cuban newspaper "sure, kid"
Judge "I find the rioter innocent and cleared of all charges, Red Sox win World Series!" [news travels slowly to Cuba]
"thanks a lot Mr Soldierman"
the camera pans up as the soldier flashes a perfect smile A sound of thunder is heard in the background

Episode 3
Due to heightened terror watches, Kyle and Josh are not allowed back into the US from Cuba. They decide to rent a dingy and row to the mainland, about 100 Cubans follow them. Geoff finally gets home from his ordeal to find the futon empty, he is sad he did not get to say goodbye to Varun, but is too tired to fret about it; he goes upstairs to his bed to find Varun camped out on it "Hey Geoff, could you get me a bucket... and some paper towels?"
"Oh no! This will not fly!" but Varun won't get up, Geoff sleeps on the basement futon
Next day at school Prof "Well, if you missed the past few weeks of class, theres only one thing you need to know and that is -" Geoff cannot hear because the student next to him erupts into a coughing fit
Sanjeet has fashioned himself a suit of armor which he wears everywhere; he is also training some engineers to be his henchmen; he makes them wear purple nylons

Episode 4
Ahmad, Geoff and Varun's friend from Colgate got a job in Dearborn doing IT work for a hospital, hes moving in and is going to take the 2nd futon in the basement (Geoff is on the first) they are both excited about being roommates
Kyle and Josh are picked up by the Coast Guard along with the now 1000s of Cuban refugees who followed them, and are taken back to Cuba (it is a good thing too, as they were rowing out to sea)
Prof: "the most important thing you need to understand today is-" the same student started coughing next to Geoff
Sanjeet has named his henchmen "the Foot Clan" and has promoted Varun to "Big Toe" while Jeet is in class. Varun holds meditation classes from Geoff's bed. Sanjeet is now bent on world domination, little does he know that his "Foot Clan" has come to revere Varun as their lord. Varun enjoys the pampering (they clean his buckets for him out of devotion)

Episode 5
Sanjeet, distraught about his "Foot Clan's" fondness for Varun orders them on a mission to see where their loyalties lie. He sends them to bring back "Gopher" the former next-door-neighbor's daughter's new cat which her father got her after "Turtle" her possum-shaped cat was killed by Sanjeet with a brick and a tree. Sanjeet does not specify "Dead or Alive"
Geoff sits in a different spot at lecture but the cougher still sits next to him. Prof "the take home message for today is-" [Cough]
Ahmad is enjoying his first day at work. Boss "Ahmad, the only rule we have around here is that the women are always right-" [he was brought up on sexual harassment charges] "-because they're so sexy" [many charges]
Kyle and Josh explain their situation to the Coast Guard who, after going through days of Catch-22 style red tape, decides to take them back to the US

Episode 6
Kyle and Josh get stuck in a hurricane which capsizes and sinks the Coast Guard ship. They end up being the only survivors who float onto Florida's shore (the rest of the crew are stranded on Key West and have to wait until the bridge is rebuilt to go home)
Ahmad's boss was finally fired for sexual harassment and Ahmad was made boss [this made several senior women at the company upset] Ahmad tried to refuse but the owner would not promote anyone else Owner: "It's a man's world, we cant have women in key positions can we?" Ahmad: "but ma'am... you're a woman" Owner: "ironic, isn't it?"
The cougher sits next to Geoff again Prof: "A question we always ask on the exam is-" [Cough]
Sanjeet's Foot Clan brought him back a cat that has been dead a long time; they had dug up "Turtle" Sanjeet dismisses them, so they shaved their heads and now hold a constant vigil with Varun disciple

Episode 7
Kyle and Josh walk to the closest airport and buy tickets to Detroit. Due to the hurricane, all flights are delayed
Ahmad assumes the job of Mr. Manager [we just say Manager] and does a very good job even though the owner keeps popping her nose into every aspect of the company [this will lead to her downfall]
Geoff arrives late to lecture and the only open seat is next to the cougher! Prof: "When you see a patient with these symptoms it can mean only one thing: [cough] diagnose it immediately and you will save a life"
Varun is enjoying his disciples constant affection; he begins speaking in tongues hoping they will think he has supernatural powers and perhaps form a new religion based on him after he is gone [back to Dallas, not dead]
Sanjeet was forced to ditch his suit of armor after taking a shower with it on... now has taken to dressing as a Pirate known simply as "The Captain"

Episode 8
Varun decides to name his new religion 'Futonism' his followers are the Futonites. They feel enlightenment can only be achieved from atop any variety of foldable couch. Geoff and Ahmad are worshiped as demigods because they both sleep on futons in the basement, the living room futon has been moved to Geoff's room for the Futonite that most pleases Varun that day
Geoff sits next to the cougher, Prof: "You're going to want to remember-" [cough]
Kyle and Josh finally get back and Geoff thanks them for helping him out of jail by taking them out to dinner; surprisingly, nothing goes wrong during this outing. When they get back, they discover some of Varun's prayer candles have set Geoff's bed on fire. The Futonites were able to put it out before Varun was forced off the bed
The Captain [Sanjeet] now walks around with a sword, a compass that doesn't point north and a pistol with only one shot in it

Episode 9
Varun's Futonites have begun an 11:34 am and pm mass in which they chant, they are not good. Varun finds this custom as annoying as the rest of us and asks them to stop. Some of them refuse; a new sect of Futonism is born
Ahmad is doing wonders for his company. The owner is getting in the middle of day-to-day affairs. The employees are sick of her constant unnecessary interruptions and harrassments. As a collective, the employees (without Ahmad's knowledge) sue the owner. Long story short, the judge decrees that the owner is 'unfit' to own a company and decided to give the company to Ahmad. This pleases the employees
The cougher strikes again, Prof: "The absolute most important thing I will ever teach you is-" [cough]
Kyle and Josh join the touch-football Law team. Josh tears his ACL
Sanjeet is building a boat [ship] out of the several trees he has previously felled

Episode 10
Ahmad is fast turning his small company into a fortune 500
Geoff is feeling sick but still goes to class, wouldnt you know it, he sits next to the cougher, Prof: "The syllabus says I have to teach this, but it is insignificant, it is totally a waste of time but-" [cough] This time it was Geoff who coughed. The Cougher: "I'm sorry could you repeat that, this guy next to me coughed and I couldn't hear you." Prof: "He disturbed you? Son, what is your name?" [in front of a full lecture hall and the lecture is being recorded and posted on the internets] "me?... Geoff Siegel, why?" Prof: "Stand up! What is wrong with you, you need to be more considerate of other people, maybe you've chosen the wrong profession! Get out of my auditorium right now!" Geoff: "But... what?"
Sanjeet is sailing down the freeway on his new ship, he has hoisted his Jolly Roger. Cars are honking

Episode 11
Sanjeet sank his boat [ship] in the Detroit River, he escaped without getting wet by walking from the Crow's Nest directly onto a passing boat. It was really cool
Kyle and Josh win their touch-football game, but Kyle breaks an ankle and Josh tears his other ACL
Ahmad to employees: "we can make this company really great but it's going to require a lot of hard work, a lot of staying late. If you can't handle that, feel free to leave now, I will write you good recommendations, but I believe we can really do something here! Who's with me?" Not an employee leaves
The new Radical sect of Futonism has moved the futon back to the living room and are threatening to sacrifice themselves on it by drinking tainted tang. Varun, sick of this new sect, is egging them on with his [sacred] prodder but everyone else is worried about the mess/paperwork they will have to fill out if this mass suicide takes place

Episode 12
Heather, Geoff's friend from Colgate, has an overnight layover in Detroit and calls him up to see if she can crash at his place. He agrees and makes the radical futonites go home to clear up the living room futon. They do so, but are not happy about it, they take their tang with them. Varun is relieved to be rid of the radicals as they are the ones who tend to muck everything up. When Heather arrives it is still early and she and Geoff can't think of anything to do. Geoff suggests watching Stargate the movie and then subsequent TV show. Heather likes this plan. Ahmad stays the night at his company. Kyle and Josh spend the night pretending to work at the library while playing flag football in the aisles with law books. The librarians are not amused, one of them tears an ACL going for a hail mary to win the game, this was remarkable as no score was being kept and there were no organized teams so much as there was unorganized chaos

Episode 13
Geoff comes home to find Heather still watching Season 1 of Stargate. "didnt you have a plane to catch?" "its ok I'll rebook it, I still have 8 seasons to go" Ahmad comes home triumphantly, his company is planning to go public and some market analysts on Wall St. are predicting it will be the next Google. Sanjeet, having ditched his pirate garb, is now experimenting in the occult looking for an elixir of life. Kyle dares to venture into Jeet's crypt beneath the street to ask if he wants any pizza, he emerged several hours later dazed, confused, and his hair a shade of day-glo pink. He had Josh deliver 2 slices to Jeet's lair, when he did not return promptly, everyone decided to just wait longer. Varun is getting bored on Geoff's bed with his remaining loyalists, and is now upset that Heather is occupying his previous home (the futon) (of course she has the decency to get up to use the washroom when necessary)

Episode 14
Josh finally emerges from Sanjeets lair carrying a small bit of plumbing made of gold. Kyles day-glo pink hair wont wash off and dyes dont stick to it. Varun is getting bored being out of the loop and has begun his assault on Heather, using his sacred prodder, in an attempt to get her to leave so he can retake the futon. Heather will have none of that, and takes the prodder away from him. Shes now on season 2 of Stargate. Jeet briefly turned himself into a man-sized possum, but the potion wore off before he was able to look into a mirror and verify his success. Geoffs biochem prof holds up new textbook: "all you have to do is know everything in this book and you'll pass... oh, by the way there are a lot of errors in it and it was poorly edited you'll have to figure out whats right" students nod in zombie-agreement, Geoff: "but... what?!" Ahmads company goes public tomorrow, there is no coffee left in the house

Episode 15
The talk of the world is Ahmad's company setting all sorts of records on the stock market. Nobody concerned with this story, save Ahmad, knows what the company actually does. Sanjeet has inadvertantly invented a machine to turn lead into gold. The only lead he could find readily involved the plumbing system. There is no water pressure in the house and the basement is a pond. Sanjeet decided that he does not like gold, so he destroyed his machine. Heather is starting Season 3 of Stargate and has been heard muttering things like "Jack is awesome" and "Senator Kinsey is a [insert appropriate Cantonese/French/German swear word here]" Kyle has shaved off his head to get rid of the pink. It started snowing and Thanksgiving is tomorrow, Sanjeet is convinced that cooking the turkey overnight at 500F is the way to go. Josh, still holding his gold pipe, agrees. Geoff doesn't want to argue, he has his Ramen ready.

Episode 16
The turkey, in the oven all night and most of Thanksgiving day is more than burnt, it looks like a hockey puck, the leg and wing bones actually turned to dust and faded away. Sanjeet says this is no problem and takes the carbon mass to his subbasement, 10 minutes and an earth-shattering explosion later he emerges with an absolutely perfectly cooked Turkey. Geoff is skeptical and does not eat. Later the Detroit Local News' top story tells of a medical student who saves half a dozen lives. While everyone is recovering after dinner, they all enjoy Season 3 of Stargate. Inevitably, someone asks everyone to say what they're thankful for: in no particular order: "malleable laws of physics" "gullible airlines" "New York Stock Exchange" "fake hair" "orthopedic surgeons" "soft sheets and adequate treatment of bedsores" Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night!